Inspired by “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Writers” found on Ragan.com.
Nota bene: These rules apply to people who use writing to pay the rent, not those who are grinding out that coming-of-age novel in their spare time and like to procrastinate by lounging around in cafes and talking about “the creative process.” You know who you are.
Highly inebriated writers always …
1. Cash checks promptly. You never know when a publisher will go belly up (and they always pay themselves first). Get the money in your hands before you write another word. Do it now; I’ll wait.
2. Drink copiously. Writers are like hydraulic engines — they run on fluids, whether it’s water, coffee, Red Bull, or Gran Patron Platinum. Always keep a full cup of something at hand.
3. Deliver clean copy. Your job is to make your editor’s job easier. Period. Do that consistently and you will never go hungry.
4. Suck up. The benefits of well-executed brownnosing cannot be overstated. Tell your editors what a great job they did on your last piece. Buy your favorites something nice around the holidays (those gift boxes from Harry & David are a good call) or when they’re trying to drain what’s left of their annual budget before the new fiscal year starts. It will come back to you in spades.
5. Write first, ask questions later. Don’t sit there staring at a blank screen pondering the perfect lead. Just write the mofo starting from whatever you know best, and then work your way backwards to the beginning and forwards to the end. You can always fix it later. That’s why God and IBM invented word processors.
6. Embellish when necessary. Make your sources sound smarter, wittier, and more insightful than they actually are, and they will never complain about being misquoted. (See also #3 above.)
7. Recycle. It’s good for the environment and even better for your worklife. Use the same source for three different stories (ideally for three different publishers) and you’ve just tripled your pay rate.
8. Keep track of excuses. Running behind on a deadline? You don’t want to use the ‘death in the family’ line with the same editor more than once every three years. (That’s why I keep a database.) Note: Natural disasters like hurricanes or tornadoes, however, offer excellent opportunities for begging deadline extensions and may be reused at will, provided Mother Nature cooperates.
9. Stay fluid. Did I mention drinking already? Remember it’s always 5 pm somewhere in the world.
10. Don’t look back. Rereading your old stuff is always problematic. It’s either a) not nearly as good as you remembered, or b) much better than what you’re writing now. Nothing good will come of this. File and forget is the motto you want to adopt. This may also come in handy if anyone ever sues you.
This story copyright Dan Tynan 2011. It may be reprinted with permission, if you’re very very nice to me.
